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First of all.. I didn't expect to gain so much appreciation over this piece.
From all over people have expressed how they feel about it. People have gone into large detail on what they like about this.

I want to talk about anxiety in general and how the image came about.

3 years ago I was hit hard by the disorder. It was so bad I got suicidal at points. Not the attention starving kind. Seriously contemplating it. Life was hell.
To someone who hasn't experienced it. I'll try and describe it from my own experience and point of view.
At any random point in the day I can get these attacks. During these attacks I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of imminent death. No rational thinking can erase the thought or feeling. Imagine having a gun held to your head. And you know it's going to go off. You just don't know when. That's what happens when I experience an attack.
I get these daily.
I hide it well from people around me. By just walking away. Or keeping to myself a lot.

How did this affect my life?
It crippled it for a long time. I couldn't work any longer. My sleeping pattern was all over the place. Often would go without sleep.
I lost friends. Close friends.
I slowly started to feel like a vegetable. Like I wasn't alive.

Psychologists and doctors realise cognitive behaviour therapy is ineffective for me.
I refused medication. I had done research and did not like the sound of the adverse affects.

Fast forward 3 years. 7 weeks ago from today.

I was running out of answers. My life was at a standstill. I had become fat. Unhealthy. Not fun.
Everything was bleak. Dark. No future! No romance. No goals.
I just existed like a parasite.

I started using anti depressants. While using large amounts of sleeping pills. To avoid those moments where I'd feel borderline insane.
I was hopeful that these pills could fix me! The side effects were bad. Needed more sleeping pills to get sleep. No hunger. No drive. Even more empty than before! But I stuck with it.


4 weeks ago.
I nearly died.
Turned out I took 3 sleeping pills. Entered a delirious state. Then took a total of 8 more. Enough to kill.
I woke up feeling like hell.
Opened my medicine drawer. It was emptier looking. 0 sleeping pills. Few anti depressants.
I'd never come that close to death ever. In my entire life.

I decided to kick all drugs. And face my problems on my own. Learn to live with em.
Withdrawals on sleeping pills were dreadful. Was awake for 3 days straight. Eventually passed out.

The anxiety and depression? Still got em. And they'll be around for the rest of my life.
But I'll deal with it.

The creative process helps.
The idea of the image is something that's been twisting and turning in my subconscious for a while.
I'm glad I got to realise the image.
I'm glad other people with anxiety understand it.

I'm ready to take my photography further.
To keep growing.
To make more friends.
To live.

I'm not dead. And I'm glad.
Life is wonderful. Just need to know where to look.
Add a Comment:
heeroyui752 Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2015
As a new fan of yours, I'm really really glad you got through it
j-ribeiro Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2015
Hey Beethy, your work is amazing. I'm really glad you shared your experience as well. You're right, creative process helps a lot! Don't stop, you're brilliant. Cheers from Brazil.
Dr-Ellis-Skyes Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2015  Student General Artist
You're such a strong person, thank you for sharing your experience. 
LaWave Featured By Owner May 5, 2015  Student Traditional Artist
Yea... It's hard going through that disorder and I feel bad for you. If I could, I would take all the world's pain and suffering and burden it upon me, but it's not possible. You know, I've felt useless from the start, seeing my friends commit suicide with your situation and felt like doing that myself, but I wondered if it would have done any good. It probably would have to the few who hate my guts, but I stayed in this life, keeping myself in line along with so many other people. Some of them I couldn't save, either turned delirious from the medication they took or died from overdose or hanging, but with the rest saved, at least I found a purpose. Sorry if I was mentioning myself throughout it, but I seen and understood the pain of it all, and I hope that you keep it stabilized. It's all I could pray for anyway, and by the way, you have an amazing gift of photography. It would truly be a waste if you decided to die just like that. Just remember: Live on and tell your story so it would also inspire those in your situation to forge ahead through the storm and make a path for others to follow.
icandoit2 Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2015
taking pictures of sexy young girls must really take it's toll! 
KittyKidd17 Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Last year I had non-stop anxiety and frequent panic attacks. Somehow I could stay away from destructive behaviors, so maybe my case wasn't very serious. But it still was hell. I wanted to die. I contemplated suicide everyday, all day long. I resented having to live. I looked at my future and saw no possibility of ever being happy, and no meaning in my life. If even in leisure times I still felt awful, what on Earth could make me happy again? If even with a secure middle-class life, the possibility of college and being supported by my parents I was in panic, then what could make me feel safe? What if a tragedy happened and I couldn't deal with it?
I started therapy but feel it didn't help me as much as the books I read. I read a lot of psychology books and articles which helped me understand why I do the things I do and that there are many like me. Sometimes I still get these horrid attacks but life isn't nearly as crappy as it used to be. I sacrificed myself too much back then. In my life there was no space for me. 
Today, there are moments of eclipse. Back then, there was no sun.
ilkeryuceler Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I have lost my fiance to bipolar disorder. she was having attacks . i was doing my best to support her. not judging her by what she s doing or not doing but just trying to be there when she needs me.
but at the end she pushed me away from her life by cheating on me.I forgave her but it was all over at her side. i was like nothing but a shadow to her.
she was seeking attention blindly and i couldnt be there with her all the time. it still hurts me all the *what if*s in my head. 
any sort of anxiety can be destructive for both the individual and his/her friends, lovers and family.
Wish more people could raise awareness to that. its serious and it can literally ruin lives. 
alfalfalfalfalfa Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2014
I applaud your story but it's alarms me that it's written as a story about overcoming the need for drugs, as if people who rely on them are somehow weak and not taking care of themselves boldly enough. This is one of THE biggest problems with mental health acceptance and whether you intend it or not is going to be the takeaway of a lot of people who read this.
partyboy3543 Featured By Owner Edited Jun 28, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I can relate to what you were saying. It can been really debilitating at times, and gets to the point where i just shut down and nothing can get through until I calm down and start thinking rationally again. Thank you for sharing your story, I'm glad I found it, it's nice in a way to know that there are others who understand. I hope you've been able to cope and that you are doing better. Thank you again.
Polyhedragon Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
May I very humbly offer the practice of insight (mindfulness) meditation as a consideration? You don't necessarily have to become a Buddhist. It is the only medicine that has worked for me. May you be well.
beethy Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2014  Professional Photographer
Breathing techniques work well for me 
Polyhedragon Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Yes, those too. I've found yogic breath work helpful. Glad you found something that works.
KittyKidd17 Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
For me, thay don't seem to work at all... I have to solve whatever is causing my anxiety first, then I can breathe again. I get a lot of chest pain :'(
Polyhedragon Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Please give this a look:

The video is FREE. Seriously, It has been life-changing. It is a meditation technique modified by a man who used to suffer from panic attacks. He does also offer an additional paid program, but  I went from using the video to vipassana meditation (Buddhist meditation). 

I am not affiliated with him whatsoever, I just want to help. I hope it does. 

Be well. :)
KittyKidd17 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you. You too :)
sm00keh Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2014

I cried when i read this because i know how you felt or feel.. I hope you're doing better now.. I do.


Great image btw!

beethy Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2014  Professional Photographer
I'm doing much better now. Thank you 
SRSmith Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014   Writer
I've only had a few isolated events where anxiety has owned me outright, I can't imagine living with it daily. I know nothing of who you are or what drives you, but your artistic outlet, if it's a passion, a survival mechanism, a focal point to keep you grounded, maybe all or none of those things, it's inspirational. What's equally inspirational is you talking openly and honestly about what you went through, how you felt and how you've survived. Everyone that suffers thinks they're alone, that no one else is dealing with what they're dealing with and that there must be something wrong with just them, but the reality is that so many people struggle with something, and when someone has the courage to speak up everyone else realizes they're a little less alone, and that's so very important. All the very best, now and in the future.
beethy Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2014  Professional Photographer
Thanks so much :) 
SRSmith Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2014   Writer
My pleasure!
benehana Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Really glad I found this and the photo. Took the time to read through a couple of the comments below. Its hard sometimes, but its good to see others have made it through the darkness. All I have to do it keep fighting and not well act on what my thoughts put in my head I guess is what Im trying to say. I carry a gun for work, that's my job. Protect and help those that need help i their time of need. Its hard to see people at their worst and you know that you are at your worst, trying to fight back your inner demons while depending society from the demons of the world. I don't know why I'm gonna even say it but I guess seeing everyone else being able to be open about their problems. Either way. I've been off my meds for almost a week now. Before I was on them I used to conceal carry when I was off the job. My (GAD) generalized anxiety disorder as they (the docs) call it or at least say I have it; and a substance abuse problem. The substance abuse problem sorta makes me laugh though, a sick joke I already knew I had it. I've always had it, probably always will. I've started started carrying again off duty, the meds started to not work. I havent had an attack or freak out in public since I've been off my meds, well a big one anyways. Finding this and everyone elses posts has made me realise that I'm not alone, there are more of us with inner demons then society admits. The thing I fear most is going out in my sleep, not knowing its coming. I'll take it head on see it coming and I could deal with that. Its myself I fear the most at times. This and everyones comments below has helped tonight. I'd just like to say thank you and thank you to everyone else that commented before me. I have no clue why, but I think reading all these has at least helped me tonight. 
beethy Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2013  Professional Photographer
Yeah.. I feel better as well with every story people share with me on here. 

I've been off meds for a very long time now.. and as time goes on it just gets easier. Dealing with the attacks feels quite natural to me now. I still sometimes have trouble falling asleep since that's when my guard is down. 
But overall I'm doing much better than before. 

Thanks for sharing your story. 
cheekz-jess Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2013  Student Photographer
I can completely understand where your coming from. I've been dealing with this the past 8 years. I had good years then really bad years. Last year until now it hit hard again. The fear of something happening while I'm asleep has controlled me and I can honestly say in my life right now I'm doing so much better. I honestly believe I can get through it and no longer have that fear of being alone in the dark. I took medication pills as well and it had no effect on me at all years ago so I just stopped taking them. Handling it with no medicine is the hardest thing you can ever do. But it is possible. Its mind over matter. Having the trust that you're going to be safe and just forcing your mind and telling yourself you're fine even though your not, you end up believing it. That's the key into overcoming it. I see this was posted over a year ago I hope that you're doing much better!
beethy Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2013  Professional Photographer
Yeah I've been med free for a long time now. Feels really good to just be yourself. Meds change you. :/
mindxscape Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2013
This post made me weep inside.
Thank you so much for sharing your story... It's so hard not to feel like a broken piece of glass in a society of solid structure and form... I struggle deeply with similar issues, and have also refused medication for it.... and I, like you, have had to find creative ways of coping.

Had a really bad relapse this week due to (of all things) a job change (that ended up triggering a "wtf am I going to do with my life I feel like I'm dying" series of attacks )... and I was feeling really awful about myself.
And then I saw your piece entitled "anxiety", and suddenly it was like...

"I'm not crazy. Someone understands."

Thank you so much.
You're a beautiful soul.

beethy Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2013  Professional Photographer
In a way this picture has made me happy almost.. seeing posts like yours also makes me feel less alone. :) 
mindxscape Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2013
8Halostar8 Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I know what it's like to deal with the terrible anxiety and depression... it's such a challenge at times.
But I'm so glad that you can see the positives in life and move forward instead of being held back. c:
beethy Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2013  Professional Photographer
Yea it was very difficult for quite some time. 
mtdg005 Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Hobbyist
you should listen to eyedea :)
9521bc007 Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013
I have this anxiety thing that has started to enter my life. I've always had it but recently it's felt like this picture and your description a couple times a week. Just started cog behavioral therapy and bio feedback, refused the drugs and it isn't helping really at all. What does help is fueling my passion for art with projects. Cosplaying, crafting, painting and remembering I love doing what I love and I am allowed to do it. It is inspirational to know that there are other humans that have this disorder such as yourself and continue to do what they love. Keep pursuing your passion and enjoying it. Love is so much stronger than the anxiety and shatters the dark world that consumes us sometimes. Thanks for your inspirational journal entry and photo, and I discovered you on the cosplay open forum episode 4!
God Bless!,
beethy Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013  Professional Photographer
Well said :) 

Yeah drugs definitely weren't for me.. never helped, only made things worse in the long run. 
Right now I've been managing it really well. My last attack was like 3 weeks ago or so. Enjoying life at the moment :D
9521bc007 Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013
Thank you and that is amazing. Good work. you encourage me.
kuwan Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2013
One year and three months, and you keep trying! Very well done!
And keep trying,  you inspire a lot of people, that live lives, somehow like your life...

My trouble aren't so big like yours, or like the other "warriors" that i found here.
I have bipolar disorder.  A little thing in my brain that takes me from a happy day to a deep sadness or a inexplicable and uncontrolable anger of small little things that no have any importance , for hours or days... Or sometimes, give me energy to move the world... and then, bring me down again.

It's hard! Specially when people that live around you, don't understand what happens in your head.

But, I learned to live with these problems... since seventeen, and I still learning.

Some days are harder than others, and, as you and a lot of people here you inspired " I'll keep trying"!
hunter-ravenwolf Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013  Professional Writer
I am recovering from Borderline Personality Disorder and this speaks volumes. The fear that cripples you, that causes you to push away the people you care for, not because they don't care, but because they just can't understand. I went through a similar path. I tried, for years, just to be okay. I self-mutilated. I used drugs, mostly pot and some prescription narcotics. I got fat, I was always a bigger guy but I got really fat, 310 lbs. I was so dysfunctional, my fiance of three years left me (it wasn't all on me, of course, but I thought it was, at the time). I was closer to ending it than I have ever been. For me, there was no one moment when I realized that I needed to live, that I wanted to live. It was gradual, and, at first, the option of suicide lived with me like a friend. But, I started exercising and eating better and I got a bunch of self-help books and started studying them and I started sleeping and writing again. That was just over four years ago. I lost 130 lbs total, but that really only matters because of the changes inside me that it reflects. I have come so far, from being crippled on a daily basis, to only dealing with what I call "Storms" intermittently, and I can usually see them coming and I have protocols in place to deal with them and get through them. I don't use drugs and haven't for years. I don't self-mutilate, I only drink a shot or two. Anyways...

I salute you. I am proud of you, you inspire me. September is always a poignant time of year for me and this year has been moving and you have just become a part of that. I will be purchasing this print when I can afford it and thank you so much for sharing it. You are so right, life is wonderful and sometimes, you can catch it just out of the corner of your eye, being wonderful everywhere you look. Thank you again.
beethy Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013  Professional Photographer
That was absolutely beautiful to read.. 
Reading stories of how people were in the darkest and most terrible places but somehow made it out alive. Well, it's nothing short of incredible. 
hunter-ravenwolf Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013  Professional Writer
And I feel the same way about your story, thank you for sharing it and always keep fighting for the things you love
Nek0Nerd0 Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank goodness you're still here. Now don't stop, just keep on going.
beethy Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Professional Photographer
I'll try :)
legacyO Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It gets better, you just need to hang in there.
WinglessHinata Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I can empathize with that feeling. Though I'm only 16, I've been recently diagnosed with an anxiety disorder (my therapist hasn't figured out which exact one yet, however, we both definitely know that I have one). I've been having frequent panic attacks for the past year, however, I had no idea I was having them. I kept it to myself for the longest. Ever since the winter came this year, I've felt extremely afraid of leaving my home. Of being in school. Sometimes even being with my friends. I was so scared. I would uncontrollably shake when I had homework assignments. I still do now. And I'm so afraid.
Then I saw your journal just now. It really, really inspires me to preserve through my disorder and get my life back on track. Art seriously helps. I always feel a lot better when I draw.
Pleas take care of yourself!
Best wishes, WinglessHinata
beethy Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Professional Photographer
You're right though. At first it seems like it'll cripple you completely. You become a shut in... you socialise less.
The key is to keep doing what you did before you had the disorder.

Best of luck! :)
Owlicopter Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
The depressed artist, how cliche. People wish they could have what you have.
HeartyRebellion Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2013
If those people knew what it was like to suffer anxiety they wouldn't wish for it. Don't belittle someone's mental health. Aside from being rude, unless you have it you really don't understand the torment. Why do you this k so many people use art as a healing process? It works. Almost every artist music or performance or otherwise uses what they've been through to better them selves and their work. This story was posted because it matters. To the artist and to a lot who have seen it. If you don't like it just go look at other art you do like... Oh yeah And practice being nice.
Anvanya1981 Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013
*facepalm* :facepalm:
Owlicopter Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
wasabieater Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013
my phyciatrist diagnosed me right before christmas she has me on Citalopram Brand: Celexa 10 mg. it was helping but then i started having problems with my boyfriend and i broke up with him on jan.2nd a week before our 11month anniversary. and now its been a week later and everyday i have bad anxiety when i think about him. i miss him but i keep messing up and its too far away now. I got into smoking pot on new years and it puts me into a panic attack sometimes. i still havent figured out how im gunna control my anxiety
hagithara Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012
I loved the picture..i am not really a person who had suffered depresion..but i have been through a lot..i sometimes feel that life for the people around me would be better without me..that my existance is bothersome for them..that feeling is almost always there..hearing your story and looking at your amazing picture makes me feel like im not there might be someone in the world that gets very lucky to have found literature to help me ventilate my glad you found that in photography
-love, thara <3
AmyRachelxx Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012
I just want to say first off that the image and what you've written here has inspired me. I also suffer from anxiety and depression and I'm currently developing a photographic project around it. I'm finding it hard to translate these feelings into photographs without being literal and obvious. I was wondering if you had any advice or suggestions? It'd be a great help coming from someone who knows how it feels. Thank you.

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