First of all.. I didn't expect to gain so much appreciation over this piece.
From all over people have expressed how they feel about it. People have gone into large detail on what they like about this.
I want to talk about anxiety in general and how the image came about.
3 years ago I was hit hard by the disorder. It was so bad I got suicidal at points. Not the attention starving kind. Seriously contemplating it. Life was hell.
To someone who hasn't experienced it. I'll try and describe it from my own experience and point of view.
At any random point in the day I can get these attacks. During these attacks I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of imminent death. No rational thinking can erase the thought or feeling. Imagine having a gun held to your head. And you know it's going to go off. You just don't know when. That's what happens when I experience an attack.
I get these daily.
I hide it well from people around me. By just walking away. Or keeping to myself a lot.
How did this affect my life?
It crippled it for a long time. I couldn't work any longer. My sleeping pattern was all over the place. Often would go without sleep.
I lost friends. Close friends.
I slowly started to feel like a vegetable. Like I wasn't alive.
Psychologists and doctors realise cognitive behaviour therapy is ineffective for me.
I refused medication. I had done research and did not like the sound of the adverse affects.
Fast forward 3 years. 7 weeks ago from today.
I was running out of answers. My life was at a standstill. I had become fat. Unhealthy. Not fun.
Everything was bleak. Dark. No future! No romance. No goals.
I just existed like a parasite.
I started using anti depressants. While using large amounts of sleeping pills. To avoid those moments where I'd feel borderline insane.
I was hopeful that these pills could fix me! The side effects were bad. Needed more sleeping pills to get sleep. No hunger. No drive. Even more empty than before! But I stuck with it.
4 weeks ago.
I nearly died.
Turned out I took 3 sleeping pills. Entered a delirious state. Then took a total of 8 more. Enough to kill.
I woke up feeling like hell.
Opened my medicine drawer. It was emptier looking. 0 sleeping pills. Few anti depressants.
I'd never come that close to death ever. In my entire life.
I decided to kick all drugs. And face my problems on my own. Learn to live with em.
Withdrawals on sleeping pills were dreadful. Was awake for 3 days straight. Eventually passed out.
The anxiety and depression? Still got em. And they'll be around for the rest of my life.
But I'll deal with it.
The creative process helps.
The idea of the image is something that's been twisting and turning in my subconscious for a while.
I'm glad I got to realise the image.
I'm glad other people with anxiety understand it.
I'm ready to take my photography further.
To keep growing.
To make more friends.
I'm not dead. And I'm glad.
Life is wonderful. Just need to know where to look.